One’s Poop

I recently moved in with someone way smarter than me.

So to paint the scenario: we had spent the day moving the majority of my crap into the new house. I had reserved a U-Haul, but the people at the 10th Street U-Haul (my first mistake) would deserve a brain tumor if they had the requisite organ. So this left us with his truck, strong backs, and degrees from an engineering school (important note: I was a history major and have a much weaker back, so I contributed mostly snappy remarks).

After loading an 800lb gun safe into a pick up truck without so much as a dolly, we consumed 2lbs of brisket while driving from Fort Benning to Exit 10 in Columbus. Not relevant to the story, but majorly bad ass.

After downloading the safe and prior to meeting with friends for boating and dinner, he was changing his oil while I retired to the internets to be a dork.

I saw this post on Mark’s Daily Apple: Japanese Scientists have successfully synthesized meat from human fecal matter

I’ll wait while you read it.

Yep, that means that they’re turning poop into meat in Japan.

It’s like Soylent Green…only so much worse because its poop.

Dear Japanese People,

This is why I made Tsunamis and Godzilla.

Love,

God

 

Holy Hirohito, why would you even try to do that. If you are so smart that you can make poop into meat, than you should be curing cancer or making a car engine that runs on blow jobs.

Why would you do this?

I had to know, so I decided to ask Erich.

While I was concern more with important things like: Would poop meat be considered vegan. Probably not, but maybe vegetarian, since its pushed out of the body like an egg. What meat could you confuse for poop, probably only ground beef. Or maybe they’d claim it was something fancy like duck butter. He approached it from a scientific angle.

He very calmly and rationally interrupted my lunatic being attacked by butterflies level of ranting to ask: “Matt, at the chemical level what is the difference between a pile of sticks, a plastic water bottle, and poop.”

Instantly I responded: “One’s poop”

 

If you need anymore reason not to eat synthetic poop meat….than I have nothing for you and I hope Mothra swoops in and destroys you.

By the way, the technical term for eating poop is corprophagia. Nobody wants that.