Today is a sad day for everyone at Crossfit Inception. Its with a sad heart that I announce the death of my bright neon yellow shorts. I’ll give you a moment to let the shock set in……
Throughout this article I will feature some pictures of the glory that was my yellow shorts.
If there’s one thing that the athletes at Inception have come to love, its my impeccable sense of gym fashion. White orthopedic lifting shoes, mismatching Skinz, blue Innov8′s, pinstriped PR shorts, T-shirts from high school that are closer to antique than vintage.
I know, I’m a regular SicFit model.
Today I have to mourn the loss of a staple of my gym wear ensemble. My neon yellow shorts are like Mary Poppins. I don’t know from whence they came, but I know they brought joy to all of those around them and now have left just as mysteriously.
What fiend(s) are capable of such a dastardly deed as destroying such a beloved treasure? Heavy back squats and kettlebell swings.
I have said it before and will say it again for the rest of my life: The RKC is like a convention for the connoisseurs of the gluteus maximus. While I certainly enjoyed the view, I don’t know that I can say so much for my workout partner today at Crossfit Dahlonega.
After PR’ing on my Overhead Squat and doing some Front Squat triples, we moved on to a Tabata of Wall Balls and Kettlebell Swings. Part way through the workout I felt a slight breeze. Let’s just say I don’t know if it was the squats or swings that did the damage, but I left the gym with my t-shirt wrapped around my waist.
I’ve been having this same problem with pants of all lengths and colors for a while.
I first noticed this last Christmas. Seeing as how I’m twenty-seven years old I still rely primarily my Mother and on major holidays to supply any and all updates to my wardrobe.
Now I knew my lower half was a bit of an anomaly. My lower body is sort of strangely shaped, mostly dealing with these Irish childbearing hips I like to show off. I have short legs and a 30 inch waist and am 5’4″. Most people with those dimensions are built like a starving Kate Moss.
However, I have legs that say “look I produce testosterone and use it.” As opposed to the current trend of making jeans for people who have legs that say “I didn’t play sports because Daddy didn’t hug me” and “I was in the pool!”. Seriously, where do skinny jeans wearers put the goods? That can’t be comfortable.
Anyways, Christmas morning rolls around and I open my present and see jeans and react the same way I’ve reacted for the past 27 years when I get clothes for Christmas. And much like the last 27 years I proceeded to get drunk after the presents (I wish, more like the last three years) and get yelled at to try on my clothes.
The ensuing conversation went like this:
Mom: Matt, try on your jeans
Me: Why, the waist is right
Mom: How do you know if they fit if you don’t try it on (expletive deleted)
Me (with increasingly slurred speech): Why did you buy fucking hipster dick huggers
Mom: No, stop being a son of a bitch and try them on
Me: You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself
2 minutes later
Me: Mom! You bought me hipster dick huggers
I than walk out of the room with my new pair of jeans stuck at mid thigh like some form of knee pad with a learning disability and an identity crisis.
Mom: Those aren’t hipster jeans, they’re relaxed fit
Me: Relaxed fit for women or for amputees because its cutting off the circulation.
And that’s the story of why I only have one pair of jeans that’s growing increasingly ill fitting.
I’m going to kickstarter and funding a project called Jeans for the Real Assed Men. They will be built by lumberjacks and denim farmers who will build them with axes and biceps and be capable of comfortably housing Heavy D and the Boys plus the truck that got them to the concert.
When I posted this picture to facebook I tagged it with:
Dear Back Squats and Kettlebell Swings, you owe me a pair of neon yellow gym shorts
Some other options:
-Hey Kettlebells, I’m flattered but I don’t swing that way
-Damned high protein diet
-OHS low enough to pick up a quarter, and I can prove it
Also, if I tore those shorts on Wall Ball that’s another reason I hate that movement.
Now all lets take a moment of silence and listen to a hymn to honor my yellow shorts
I need something better to do with my life. I just wrote 800 words about a pair of gym shorts and my growing ass.