I’ve officially reached the next level of being #internetfamous. That is, I was asked my first Hey Yo Matt question via twitter. I will throw out the caveat that this comes from my good buddy Ben over at Personal Records. If you don’t read his blog you must hate laughter and love diabetes.
Seriously, his blog is the Macho Man Randy Savage to the Nature Boy Rick Flair that is my own humble blog.
First a crique on hashtag etiquette, it should have all been one long hashtag a la #iscreamuscreamweallscream4beefjerky?
That’s the most efficient way to get the message out there. Secondly, #nutsacksarepaleo is my new official hashtag for every cheat meal for the rest of forever.
Generally, I hate these types of questions because they are really three questions in one. Its like one of those Russian dolls that you take apart until you get progressively smaller pear-shaped fat Olga looking vodka drinking dolls. Why would you shape a representation of a human like that. Its like a fertility votive figure for people who drink a 2 liter of Coke Zero per day and use Snickers as a kicker for their 5 hour energy every three hours.
So, let’s go by the numbers.
First the stupidly literal. Is it Paleo? As in did yoked and conquering cave men walk around the tundra slaying land beasts like some sort of cross between Chuck Norris and Turok eat gelato.?
No. They were too busy spreading their seed and punching tigers while the women folk were felling forests with their bare hands, punching tigers, and shaving their legs with flint razors they knapped themselves. Granted I don’t have a time machine, so most of that may be wrong. However, I’m probably right about most of that.
The second question is the less literal “is this part of a Paleo diet”. The answer is again no.
I had to do some honest to god research for this (ie. a Google search). After looking at the ingredients I laughed a hearty laugh. The ingredients are: milk, cream, sugar, and fruit or nut pastes.
Also: Dear Food, can we come up with a different term than nut paste. It sounds gross. Seriously, why do things like that get gross names and they give things that are basically industrial run off from a Captain Planet villain’s factory harmless sounding names like HFCS or xyorbitol.
So I obviously take issue with the dairy, but that’s not this biggest culprit.
A pretty important side note is that Ben is in Italy right now. So we can assume that the quality of all of the ingredients are at least a measure of fifteen biceps curls better than what you can find in the States. This also means that the taste is the measure of one back squat better. For the record 100 biceps curls = 1 back squat on the quality scale.
This issue I have here is with the sugar. Granted, Ben is not anywhere near needing to worry about his blood sugar levels or becoming insulin resistant. However, mainlining ice cream is never a good option for anyone regardless of the number of scovilles in their sauce.
When is eating that much sugar ever good?
It is never good.
No I don’t care.
The final questions is “Ah I see your arguments and yet I don’t give a shit. Can I personally eat it?”
Not if you like doing things like: wearing nothing but Ranger panties in the gym without looking like a weirdo.
Prediction for the future:
Sure, keep eating the Gelato
I do, however, need to throw out this final caveat. Ben’s situation is a little different. Not only did he just move to Italy, but his time there will be relatively short before going to a not nearly as desirable get away in a sandbox. So since he has a finite time between now until its time to do bad things to bad people, he needs to enjoy himself.
I like to tell people about how I went Paleo the day I left for Iraq. What I leave out is that I was a functioning alcoholic who lived off of primarily chicken wings from “Wings Over Fayetteville” (the most legit wings in that god awful city before it shut down), cheap chinese food, pizza, and whatever was in arms reach for about a month before I deployed.
I probably should do a Paleo before deployment post. Damnit, that’s a forth question.
I don’t believe in moderation at all. I don’t think it works and I think its just an excuse that the lazy use to keep eating like shit. I’d recommend having a plan like eat clean during the week and not giving a shit during the weekend. Or eat clean, unless you do something cool and once in a life time like skiing in the alps or going to Florence or your friend Matt comes to visit because I want gelato now.
Ok Columbus, its pretty obvious that this warm weather is not a fluke. Who cares if the groundhog has seen his shadow or not, its time to start getting your butts into gear for the upcoming summer endurance competitions.
We all know that summer time in Columbus and the southeast means races. We are going to have a big push for a few specific races, but we are here for you and your goals.
Regardless of your race or event, our team of Crossfit Endurance Certified coaches can prepare you to be at your best to meet your race day goals. It doesn’t matter if you are going for a personal record or trying to finish your first race.
Christmas may be the season for giving and March has the madness of the Open, but the summer is the time for racing.
Contact Matt at email@example.com or talk to any of the coaches for details.
The timing of our trip to Curacao was pretty unfortunate. It was a Saturday and New Year’s Eve, so basically nothing was open. What made this even worse was that it straight up monsooned the entire time.
Since it was so crappy out we decided not to go to the beach and just walk around the downtown area. We also had to be back on the boat by 1530, so our time on the island was pretty limited to begin with.
There really wasn’t much exciting that went on. It was mostly just see the sights and watch my sister haggle at one of the stores. The sights were actually pretty impressive. It was the most European looking city we saw on the trip. Almost all of the buildings were original structures built in the late 1700s in contemporary European style.
So it looked a lot like walking around a small Mediterranean town, just with steel drums and pictures of Bob Marley.
All of the good restaurants were closed, but I did have a pretty decent conch dish where we did eat. This was probably the first and only time I’ve eaten conch without it being fried. It tasted pretty good. Think of like a flakey white fish in texture, but the taste of a calamari or octopus.
I was actually kind of disappointed in dinner on the boat. I thought that the other nights were actually better. I did, however, have a pretty massive cheat day and get blacked out drunk on the alcohol that we smuggled on board.
I don’t remember the end of the night, but apparently four security guards escorted me to my room at 3am. According to my sister, the only witness, I let them know how dumb they were and corrected them when they accused me of drinking. Neither of us know what I did, but I’m sure I had fun doing it.
I’m going to talk about the Open WOD from the previous week the day after scores close. Its a great time to talk about certain motor patterns and aspects of conditioning.
This week was the first week of the Open workouts. Last night I sat on the edge of my seat eagerly anticipating the announcement of the first Open WOD.
Last year I was wrong about every single workout. Once again, I was about as wrong as I could possibly be. The fact that I programmed a 15 minute amrap that included burpees upon burpees pretty much proves that my streak of being wrong is still very much alive.
The first Open WOD was a 7 minute AMRAP of as many burpees as possible. To force the hip opening, the all powerful Castro decreed that the athlete must jump and touch a target six inches above their maximum reach.
So I saw the WOD and subsequently lost sleep over doing burpees. I tend to do well in body weight work outs and in high suffering workouts. This just so happened to be both.
Despite the fact that this will probably be my strongest showing, I needed some motivation.
This was my first attempt. My strategy was to start fast and get in twenty quick reps. After that I tried to establish a very steady pace and just go from there.
I finished with 115 reps. I think that I spent too much time bull shitting around between the 2:30 and 4:30 mark.
DJ Gets 127 reps. Sweet Baby Moses
Below are videos of two of the other athletes I coach. This was Erich’s first attempt and Meg’s only.
This just goes to show that hobbits are good at burpees. Its much easier to move my 155lb around than it is for Erich to move his 210lbs around.
I think that the strategy of getting as many fast ones in as quick as possible is the smart way to go. Its hard to properly pace something as painful as burpees. So you may as well dive into the pain cave and just get really comfortable there.
Coach Mike “Yay Burpees” Burgener owner of Mike’s Gym and the Crossfit Subject Matter Expert on Olympic Lifting had this to say of the first open WOD on his site
*Note: I will be programming in the open workouts for Crossfitters that are interested in training for the games. The open workout will always come after a day of rest, and it is important to go into each workout with a plan/strategy. This first workout is a straight up “put out” session; therefore not much strategy is needed other than turn off your head, ignore the pain and realize that in 7 minutes you will still be alive and well (probably not standing vertical though). With that said, what I had my athletes do last year when the workouts were announced were complete the WOD at 60-70% to get a game plan, then hit it at 100% 1-2 days later. I’m not sure yet if I’ll program a 70% effort for a games open WODs on this site, so if I do not, then it is up to you to do that on your own. If you guys/girls would like me to do that then let me know and I’ll make it happen. Lastly, we do not want to be doing the open workouts at 100% 3-4 times in a week. That is a sure fire way to get burnt out and over trained. Be smart about it and go all out the first time.
We redid the workout today and I got 121 reps. Erich also redid it and got 112 reps. He went up by 2 and I went up by 6. Erich did it again on Sunday and pulled a 120 reps. Gotta get up pretty early if you want to beat the kid.
I think that both of us went harder out of the gate the second time. I know the big difference for me was the fact that I had so many people yelling at me and in my face that I couldn’t help but to do better. I tend to perform better with more pressure on me and when I’m under the spot light.
Erich actually graphed his reps that were recorded every 30 seconds. It told a pretty clear picture. On all three attempts, the numbers beyond the 2:30 mark were pretty much identical. The difference in this workout is made in the first 2:30. It shows that everyone has a fastest possible speed inside of the pain cave. Getting as much work done before you hit your pain pace was critical to this WOD.
I hated doing it once. I really hated doing it twice. I can only pray that this next workout is more fun, although I don’t know how they could program something worse….
This was the first day of Paleo Lent and I was already missing my cheat meals. The only thing that made it a little easier was that I slept until the afternoon and was still drunk when I woke up.
I actually was pretty drunk almost all day. They had an ice skating rink on the boat and I apparently reeked of alcohol the entire time. A stench that got much more potent as I started sweating. The funny thing about it was that it was probably the best thing for me.
I had not skated in years and actually had a really good time doing it and trying to do pistols/shoot the duck while skating. The rink was full of kids and only an eighth the size of a normal one, so I didn’t really do anything too crazy.
No body has any tolerance for a drunken skater on a boat who flattens a child.
Lunch that day was unremarkable. I just made a big ass salad at one of the cafes.
Dinner was a little harder since all of the good things on the menu had several questionable ingredients. I had a salad with a “generous” ounce of chicken on it as an appetizer. The main course was broiled atlantic salmon with roasted vegetables. Of course baby corn, which is my favorite wolf in sheep’s clothing plant, was on the plate. Remarkably, I did not eat them.
Corn is still a grain, even when it looks and acts like a vegetable. There were also green beans left standing at the end, but I don’t like those nearly as much, so there was nothing tugging at my heart strings.
I did a quick workout a little bit after dinner. The boat was rocking so bad that I abandoned my plans to do dumbbell presses. I didn’t feel like getting concussed was a good option for ending my voyage.
Instead I did a tabata bottom to bottom air squats. This is where you start and rest from the bottom position. I hadn’t done them this way before, but Chris Spealler certainly favors them.
They kind of sucked…a lot. My stomach was not happy with my decision and the boat was basically acting like a bosu ball.
I am not a fan of the days at sea at all. Granted this was only my second one ever, but its boring. Since I was still feeling drunk and it was pretty sunny out, I slept in the pool for about two hours. Which is something I’m going to wish I could do when I have to spend every other day cold and wet and walking with stinky Ranger students.